A LETTER TO MYSELF

Dear Anthony,

OMG, you've come so far. You've grown so much. You're not the same person you were when you entered college. You've learned so much, grown so much, change so much. You should be proud of where you are. KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. Never give up, you know you have a bright future ahead of you. Know that you always work hard, and never forget to be grateful for what you have.

I'll never be good enough...

In my eyes, I know I'll never be good enough. Why, do you ask? I CAN NEVER IMPRESS MY SELF, NONE THE LESS MY FAMILY. I feel like a failure for giving up and not pursuing Bio, as my major. I can still hear and see my mom's disappointment.I will never be satisfied with my work until I KNOW MY PARENTS ARE SATISFIED. Once this begins,I'll know I'll see the quality of my own merit and recognize my accomplishments. Till that day comes, no matter how successful people see me, I'll always be a failure. If I took the other path, I know I'll be dissatisfied with myself and mostly agonizing. But none the less, I would be a little more aware of my merit. I would feel some sort of legitimacy to what I do. I love being a poli sci major and doing what I DO but I can never feel like I'll be ever be good enough. The road I chose to take has consequences. I'm gratified with pursuing what I'm passionate and interested about but I'm tortured with the lack of parental validation. I FEEL LIKE I CAN NEVER SATISFY MYSELF UNTIL I HEAR THE WORDS, "ANAK GOOD JOB, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU." I'm a tortured soul but none the less, I chose this path. I feel a degree of gratification from my self, but I do not feel the gratification that other feel from their parents and family. FOR THIS REASON, I'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH IN MY OWN EYES.

'

In my eyes...

In my eyes, I see someone I don't like. There so manythings that I don't like about myself. I won't list all of em cuz there's alot. But one of the main thing is my physical appearance. I hate how that I'm skinny. I've tried getting toned in between h.s. and college but it was an epic fail. Not alot of people know this but I'm very bodily conscious. I really feel unconfident about how I look. I guess that's why I HAVE THE PERSONALITY THAT I DO to make up for it. I guess I should stop bitching and hit the gym. But the problem with that is ....the last time I went to the gym, I felt so conscious that I couldn't even work out. I felt outta place and awkward. Seeing all those guys pump iron kinda discouraged me...so I JUST RAN THE TRACK and I WAS HELLA EXHAUSTED. I guess I'll give it another try and hopefully it doesn't end up as a fail.

Doubts...

In the past, I doubted my abilities and my passion for certain things. I realized I will always have this but I came to realize that I am a genuine person who wants to make a difference in the world. Thus my doubts shouldn't take over my actual abilities and the genuine purpose of my passion. I am passionate for a reason, I apply my abilities for a reason. Never shall I look down at myself again. I know am born to do great things. I can achieve great things not because I was born and destined to be but rather because I want to, and I am capable of achieving greatness. My ability to look after people surpasses my nerves of not being able to take care of others. One thing I learned is to be selfless and that I shouldn't only think about myself but think of the greater good for the whole community. As a leader of an organization, I will try my best to be an inspiration to myself and others. I will be a model for the younger generation as well as my peers. I will let my passion shine and my abilities exceed my expectation so that I may do great things not for my self but for the communities that I belong to. Greatness comes in many form. A leader is great not for the superficial accomplishments they have achieved but in the way they affect an individual's life.

I hate this

Why do people have to be so mean?I'm so sick of people talking shit to me and making me feel like I'm grotesque or something. I'm sick of people who I call my friends who criticize everything that I do with knowing why I did it in the first place. I'm sick of people who treat me like crap and make me feel like I always do the wrong thing. Enough of this! I won't take it any longer. If you don't like I don't give a fuck any more. If you treat like crap, I'll start returning the favor. I'm so sick of being nice to people who treat me like crap. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH I'VE had it with people.

SUDDEN AWAKENING

So my friend told me that, " You either major in something you like or something that you're good at." At the beginning I thought that I was good at Biology and that I liked it. This second year has really opened my eyes to what I want to do with my life. I'm one of those people who DO NOT like not having control over their lives. I've always maneuvered where my life was heading. Circumstances just come and go but they make me a stronger person. My 1st year roommate told me , "Do that politics shit you've always wanted and drooled for." Last year I've decided to double major. I added Political Science as my second major to feed my hunger and ego. This year I've decided to pursue a route that revolves around this. I awoken this year that I no longer wanted to pursue bio. It no longer interested me, in fact I lost the enjoyment I got from learning all of the materials. Political Science in the other hand has been opening my eyes and have captured my interest even further. I still wanted to work in the healthcare industry but now I've decided that Public Health Policy is a better major than Bio. I woke up this quarter and realized that I should pursue something that captivates me and makes me more interested everytime I take a class. Political Science has been doing that for me, hopefully PHP will be the same.

Thankful!

I'm so thankful for everything that I have right now. I should definitely count my blessings rather than complain about what I don't have. I often forget to be grateful for what I already have. I say thanks for everyone that I have in my life right. Thank you Kaba for letting me love my own culture. Thank you board for letting me grow as a leader. Thank you friends for giving me a reason to be happy everyday. Thank you my family for loving me unconditionally. Thank you Jana, Jesse, and Justin for being my role models. Thank you my friends for make me feel that I'm more than good enough. Thank you for not looking at me differently. Thank you UCI for giving the opportunities that I have right now. Thank you god for giving me this life. Thank you Marleen for being an awesome and understanding CO! Thank you Umbrella council for harnessing the student activist in me. Thank you experience for making realize that I should care more than about my self.