A LETTER TO MYSELF

Dear Anthony,

OMG, you've come so far. You've grown so much. You're not the same person you were when you entered college. You've learned so much, grown so much, change so much. You should be proud of where you are. KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. Never give up, you know you have a bright future ahead of you. Know that you always work hard, and never forget to be grateful for what you have.

I'll never be good enough...

In my eyes, I know I'll never be good enough. Why, do you ask? I CAN NEVER IMPRESS MY SELF, NONE THE LESS MY FAMILY. I feel like a failure for giving up and not pursuing Bio, as my major. I can still hear and see my mom's disappointment.I will never be satisfied with my work until I KNOW MY PARENTS ARE SATISFIED. Once this begins,I'll know I'll see the quality of my own merit and recognize my accomplishments. Till that day comes, no matter how successful people see me, I'll always be a failure. If I took the other path, I know I'll be dissatisfied with myself and mostly agonizing. But none the less, I would be a little more aware of my merit. I would feel some sort of legitimacy to what I do. I love being a poli sci major and doing what I DO but I can never feel like I'll be ever be good enough. The road I chose to take has consequences. I'm gratified with pursuing what I'm passionate and interested about but I'm tortured with the lack of parental validation. I FEEL LIKE I CAN NEVER SATISFY MYSELF UNTIL I HEAR THE WORDS, "ANAK GOOD JOB, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU." I'm a tortured soul but none the less, I chose this path. I feel a degree of gratification from my self, but I do not feel the gratification that other feel from their parents and family. FOR THIS REASON, I'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH IN MY OWN EYES.

'

In my eyes...

In my eyes, I see someone I don't like. There so manythings that I don't like about myself. I won't list all of em cuz there's alot. But one of the main thing is my physical appearance. I hate how that I'm skinny. I've tried getting toned in between h.s. and college but it was an epic fail. Not alot of people know this but I'm very bodily conscious. I really feel unconfident about how I look. I guess that's why I HAVE THE PERSONALITY THAT I DO to make up for it. I guess I should stop bitching and hit the gym. But the problem with that is ....the last time I went to the gym, I felt so conscious that I couldn't even work out. I felt outta place and awkward. Seeing all those guys pump iron kinda discouraged me...so I JUST RAN THE TRACK and I WAS HELLA EXHAUSTED. I guess I'll give it another try and hopefully it doesn't end up as a fail.

Doubts...

In the past, I doubted my abilities and my passion for certain things. I realized I will always have this but I came to realize that I am a genuine person who wants to make a difference in the world. Thus my doubts shouldn't take over my actual abilities and the genuine purpose of my passion. I am passionate for a reason, I apply my abilities for a reason. Never shall I look down at myself again. I know am born to do great things. I can achieve great things not because I was born and destined to be but rather because I want to, and I am capable of achieving greatness. My ability to look after people surpasses my nerves of not being able to take care of others. One thing I learned is to be selfless and that I shouldn't only think about myself but think of the greater good for the whole community. As a leader of an organization, I will try my best to be an inspiration to myself and others. I will be a model for the younger generation as well as my peers. I will let my passion shine and my abilities exceed my expectation so that I may do great things not for my self but for the communities that I belong to. Greatness comes in many form. A leader is great not for the superficial accomplishments they have achieved but in the way they affect an individual's life.

I hate this

Why do people have to be so mean?I'm so sick of people talking shit to me and making me feel like I'm grotesque or something. I'm sick of people who I call my friends who criticize everything that I do with knowing why I did it in the first place. I'm sick of people who treat me like crap and make me feel like I always do the wrong thing. Enough of this! I won't take it any longer. If you don't like I don't give a fuck any more. If you treat like crap, I'll start returning the favor. I'm so sick of being nice to people who treat me like crap. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH I'VE had it with people.