A LETTER TO MYSELF

Dear Anthony,

OMG, you've come so far. You've grown so much. You're not the same person you were when you entered college. You've learned so much, grown so much, change so much. You should be proud of where you are. KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. Never give up, you know you have a bright future ahead of you. Know that you always work hard, and never forget to be grateful for what you have.

I'll never be good enough...

In my eyes, I know I'll never be good enough. Why, do you ask? I CAN NEVER IMPRESS MY SELF, NONE THE LESS MY FAMILY. I feel like a failure for giving up and not pursuing Bio, as my major. I can still hear and see my mom's disappointment.I will never be satisfied with my work until I KNOW MY PARENTS ARE SATISFIED. Once this begins,I'll know I'll see the quality of my own merit and recognize my accomplishments. Till that day comes, no matter how successful people see me, I'll always be a failure. If I took the other path, I know I'll be dissatisfied with myself and mostly agonizing. But none the less, I would be a little more aware of my merit. I would feel some sort of legitimacy to what I do. I love being a poli sci major and doing what I DO but I can never feel like I'll be ever be good enough. The road I chose to take has consequences. I'm gratified with pursuing what I'm passionate and interested about but I'm tortured with the lack of parental validation. I FEEL LIKE I CAN NEVER SATISFY MYSELF UNTIL I HEAR THE WORDS, "ANAK GOOD JOB, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU." I'm a tortured soul but none the less, I chose this path. I feel a degree of gratification from my self, but I do not feel the gratification that other feel from their parents and family. FOR THIS REASON, I'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH IN MY OWN EYES.

'

In my eyes...

In my eyes, I see someone I don't like. There so manythings that I don't like about myself. I won't list all of em cuz there's alot. But one of the main thing is my physical appearance. I hate how that I'm skinny. I've tried getting toned in between h.s. and college but it was an epic fail. Not alot of people know this but I'm very bodily conscious. I really feel unconfident about how I look. I guess that's why I HAVE THE PERSONALITY THAT I DO to make up for it. I guess I should stop bitching and hit the gym. But the problem with that is ....the last time I went to the gym, I felt so conscious that I couldn't even work out. I felt outta place and awkward. Seeing all those guys pump iron kinda discouraged me...so I JUST RAN THE TRACK and I WAS HELLA EXHAUSTED. I guess I'll give it another try and hopefully it doesn't end up as a fail.